We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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