So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
