its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
