Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
