I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
