Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
