two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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