There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
