why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
babies were throwing up all over the place
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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