I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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