The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
