booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
