Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
