i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
