i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
