What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I woke up under a house in Key West
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
