I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
