he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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