Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
