I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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