I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
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He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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