Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
