arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
