this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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