Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
