shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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