i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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