We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
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I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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