I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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