Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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