Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
