wanna go halves on a baby?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
