I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just pee around me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
