Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
