Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize