I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Someone signed my nipple.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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