I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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