I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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