worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
