I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
