PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
