he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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