All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
