omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
