I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
