I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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