Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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