if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
