My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
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So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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