Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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