We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Rumble strips road head = magical
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
