FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
