dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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