I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
