You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
