dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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