Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
