what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So squirting runs in the family.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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