Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
