shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
