Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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